Picture the future: A Press Release From Senator Nannystate sometime in the near future.
Approximately 33 thousand people died on the roads of America in the last year. To address this horrific tragedy that plays itself out year after year in our country, we must have “common sense” restrictions on the availability and use of “Assault Vehicles”.
These “Assault Vehicles” are vehicles which are styled after military vehicles and have no legitimate transportation purpose. They have only one reason to exist and that is to kill.
People do not use these Assault Vehicles to go to Whole Foods and pick up organic groceries. They do not use them to drive to the Park and Ride to catch the transit authority bus to get to work. They don’t use them to move their furniture to their new apartments. They don’t use them to take their garbage to the dump. They don’t use them to drop their kids off at school. They use them only to kill. It’s only “Common Sense” to ban these “Assault Vehicles”.
What is an “Assault Vehicle”? It is any vehicle with an Open Cargo Area and at least Four Wheels that has any of these military-style features:
A Trailer Hitch installed on the rear of the vehicle
A Brush Guard installed on the front of the vehicle
A Winch Mount or Installed Winch anywhere on the vehicle
A Deep water fording kit, with or without prominent snorkel
Mud Flaps which protrude conspicuously below the wheel wells
A Pintle Designed to mount a machine gun, rocket launcher or thermonuclear device
We must, as a moral imperative, pass an immediate and total ban on these dangerous and completely unnecessary tools of death. I have included a FAQ about this very important “Common Sense” bill below to help you convince your friends and neighbors of the importance of this “Common Sense” measure:
Q: What percentage of the motor vehicle deaths that you present in the justification for this law are related to what you are defining as an “Assault Vehicle”?
A: You are a shill for the National Truck Owners Association, aren’t you? You hate children and want to see more dead bodies on the road, don’t you?
Q: How, exactly, do the “Military-style features” you have identified effect the lethality of the Open Cargo Area four wheeled vehicles you are seeking to ban?
A: You are mentally deficient and hate the children. You are too heartless and too stupid for me to waste my time debating. And, you hate the children.
Q: Won’t these restrictions make it more difficult for trail riders, who take their vehicle off-road for exploring and camping, to do so safely since you would ban the tools they use to extract themselves when they get stuck, or need to help others who get stuck? What about privately owned tow trucks which would fall into the “Assault Vehicle” category?
A: People should not be leaving any area with street lights. Don’t you realize it gets dark out there? If people get stuck they should call the police for assistance, if people start getting themselves out of ditches and mud holes on their own there will be chaos: You are advocating anarchy. Tow Truck companies will have to get special licenses and have extensive background checks. There will be a progressive fee schedule for the license and the licensed “Assault Vehicles” will have to be limited to seven gallons of gasoline in the fuel tank.
Q: Some of your colleagues have advocated the complete banning of all vehicles, stating that they should only be in the hands of the military and government. Isn’t this just a starting point to the total ban on private transportation?
A: No one is talking about taking your car away. You are just a conspiracy nut who hates the children. You are dangerous and should not be allowed to express your vile and hate-filled opinions. You are a tool of the car lobby and you hate the children. Besides, you can always take the subway or the bus anywhere you need to go. A car is a dangerous luxury that common people don’t need.
